Some posts back I referred to the Devotional Sex tumblr and Monach-beta’s critical reflections on the same. Now I would like to throw in my own 2p.
In a nutshell: in the devsex teaching the woman (the princess) decides if/when the male (the knight) will ejaculate. It is understood that he sometimes may, but more often not. The male remains in a state of arousal, ready for erotic service. This is assumed to intensify the erotic experience and to strengthen bonding. It also makes a splendid combination with slow sex techniques (tao, tantra).
This, in my book, is femdom brought back to its basic core: erotic female dominance (D/s). Femdom light if you want, upon which you may or may not build further BDSM elements. To the devsex blogger however, it’s not just a difference of degree. In one post he states that it is OK for a couple to be in devsex and BDSM at the same time. So he assumes a real difference, though not necessarily a contrast.
In both devsex and my idea of basic femdom the lady directs, even if not in a violent or humiliating manner. What is the difference? Are we to understand that there are no D/s dynamics involved in devsex? That the princess is in charge, but not dominant? Or is it impossible to imagine femdom without all the BDSM paraphernalia? However ….
… so, I argued that devsex is femdom light, and that we don’t need a new name for that. However … that’s theory.
In practice, one may well ask whether this light variety is really enough for us, malesubs. I, for one, would miss a thorough spanking now and then. And I suppose the devsex blogger would not like to give up his fancy to exhibit his submission in public and include third parties. Which is clearly not part of the basic package.
We more often than not fantasize over things that are outside the comfort zone of our partners. And we better talk about it, or we will soon be found directing from below. Devsex, as the basic femdom script, may be a good way for some, or many, to bring their kink into a real relation. Within mutually accepted boundaries: lesser but better, as Lenin said. But there is also a real danger that femdom is smuggled in under false pretenses, and without agreed limits.
And one more thing. Devsex is defined as a lifestyle, but in our blogger’s light hearted descriptions it sometimes seems play. The difference is all important. I could live within the boundaries of devsex as a lifestyle, but if it were a bedroom play I would feel degraded. On the other hand: your partner might be OK with some tougher scenario’s, as long as it would be considered a game.
It’s great to have some discussion about Devotional Sex.
There is a continuum between BDSM Femdom and Devotional Sex, and each couple will work out where they want to be - at one end or somewhere in-between. I believe the two end points are very different, and Devotional Sex is not just Femdom light.
There are two ways that BDSM can be added to Devotional Sex.
Firstly BDSM activities can be included in the activities the couple do (she decides what and when). Spanking, pegging, bondage - all can be added on top if within his limits and she decides to do them.
Secondly, the Princess can decide that she wants to have a session where she is strongly dominant - the Princess becomes the Mistress. Some couples may have many powerful sessions of full Femdom and then drop back into Devotional Sex as their normal couple life.
Devotional Sex is a partnership - it isn’t just about her and it isn’t just about him. So a Knight saying what he would like is not ‘topping from the bottom’ but just good communication.
The Princess doesn’t feel pressured by her Knight’s desires or fantasies because she decides what happens and what never happens. With a Princess I know that some of my fantasies will never happen, and with some she might surprise me one day.
I’m only into light BDSM activities. So far none of my Princesses have wanted to do light BDSM. So for me no spankings, and light bondage perhaps only once per year, and that’s it. Proof positive that all my Princesses have felt relaxed about ignoring things that don’t interest them.
Clearly a man who feels he needs lots of BDSM activities would not be happy with the relationships I have enjoyed. But all my Princesses have been ‘ordinary’, non-dominant, non-kinky women. I never expected any of them to get into BDSM activities. As can be seen by the activities shown in this Tumblr - BDSM activities are not a part of pure Devotional Sex.
Devotional Sex is the man deciding that he wants to be her Knight (and thus will not ejaculate very often and will obey her). As this is what I do with all my partners you could say that I dominate them by deciding to be their Knight (naturally I’m only intimate with women who want to explore this dynamic with me).
So a Princess isn’t dominant. She isn’t bossy.
She doesn’t need to be dominant to say no to things that she doesn’t feel like doing. She doesn’t need to be dominant to have me do something - I’m always keen. She isn’t dominant or denying me when she ends a session without me ejaculating - she knows that I’m the one who doesn’t want to cum most times.
As Devotional Sex is a partnership - we are both devoted to each other - a Princess will not only ask for things that are for her, and do lots of things that we both like, but she will do some things mainly to please me. So she doesn’t feel selfish. One partner, after her first session of Devotional Sex, said “That felt like true equality.”
Devotional Sex is a lifestyle because a Knight is always slightly horny, and would like some sexual activity every morning and every bedtime (and in-between). He is her Knight at a bedtime when his Princess wants ‘just a cuddle’ because he is committed to obeying her desire for no sexual activity. He feels her Knight because during the cuddle he is likely to get an erection. She feels his Princess because she enjoys him desiring her.
So Devotional Sex is taking place every wake-up, every bedtime, and in many interactions during the day and evening. And the many energised cuddles are one of the main ways that Devotional Sex builds and maintains intimacy.
Devotional Sex is fun and has lots of play. It sets up an environment where my Princess can quickly get me aroused and have a few minutes of fun and then resume normal life.
I’ve had great success introducing vanilla dates to Devotional Sex. With some dates I’ve ended up sitting naked at their feet giving them a foot massage. Other dates have gone further and we have gone to bed with the only sexual activity my giving them oral sex (and me wearing my underpants all the time we are in bed).
None of this would have happened if I had told by date that I was into BDSM and Femdom. BDSM is great for some people, but far too much for most.
I’m not trying to make kinky people less kinky. A male sub with a vanilla partner might find that Devotional Sex works for her - so enjoying the lesser kink of Devotional Sex might be much better than nothing.
Probably the main ‘market’ for Devotional Sex is vanilla up. And for them the BDSM activities and strong female dominance will be just optional enhancements that most will choose to ignore.
I’ve been writing this for an hour, so will end now. Hopefully most of it makes sense :)